By far, the search results that most land on my blog involve some iteration of whether it’s okay to be a loner. No doubt they all lead to this post.
I find it quite surprising that many searches about the permissiveness of being a loner lead to here. In fact, my blog is now one of the top search results for that idea. I can surmise only that this must be a topic that strikes a nerve with many people, yet there must not be much concrete content out there if my blog is one of the top results.
This post stems from the above observations. I’m going to sound more decisive and self-assured than usual because it seems to me that some people need definitive answers.
So, let’s get right to it. Is there anything wrong with being a loner?
The short answer is no.
To provide the long answer, first we should define what a “loner” is.
One of the fun things about working for an educational institution is that I get access to the OED. (Yes, I’m a nerd, and there’s nothing wrong with that, either.) According to the OED, a loner is “a person who avoids company and prefers to be alone.” I think that’s a succinct definition. In case you’re interested, OED reports the first use of the word in 1947, when the New Republic stated, “Big John has decided to become a ‘loner’ for keeps.” I’m not sure if I completely know what that means, ha.
Is it a bad thing to want to avoid company and be alone? On the surface, no. Why should that be a problem?
But we loners are often insecure about our preference for solitude. This is because, as Susan Cain mentions in Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking, American society pushes the extroverted ideal upon us. (Perhaps Western society in general does this, but I don’t want to generalize.)
Our culture emphasizes “people skills.” “Networking.” “Putting yourself out there.” In sum, the ideal person is someone who’s outgoing, who derives energy from being around people. These are qualities of extroverted people.
You’re supposed to be noticed. If you’re not noticed, then your contribution doesn’t seem worthwhile.
But being a loner doesn’t mean you dislike people, it just means that you sometimes need alone time. Being a loner doesn’t mean you don’t produce quality work or that you lack people skills or that you aren’t noticed.
When people refer to people skills, typically they refer to the ability to socialize. But that is not the only people skill out there. Loners, who are often introverts (which means they need alone time to regenerate), have one prized people skill: the ability to listen. I’ve observed that many people have poor listening skills because they’re always so excited about voicing their own thoughts. You can speak, and what they tell you doesn’t completely relate to the concern you’re trying to discuss.
Since it’s so rare, people appreciate it when you listen. They feel understood. That is a valuable people skill.
You can put yourself out there in more ways than one. If all you can do is network, you don’t have any other abilities than to make connections. Those connections are useless if you can’t deliver. Even though they work alone, because they work alone, loners can deliver. Loners can often produce better results when they work alone than when they work with others. They can go with their intuition. They don’t have to worry about someone in the group being a flake. They don’t have to worry about the group choosing to run with an idea that they know is subpar. When you present the finished product, people will appreciate your insight, the insight you were able to have because you had alone time.
With the ability to listen and the ability to deliver, you can make valuable contributions. In some ways, being a loner is an advantage.
What’s most important, however, is being secure with yourself. I don’t practice what I preach here, and I should, but I have seen it when I’ve observed others: as long as you appear confident and open, you’re well-regarded.
If you like to spend time alone, so what? If that’s what you enjoy, you should do it without worrying about what others think. As long as you find your life satisfying, there’s not a problem with wanting a lot of time to yourself. It’s worse to try to force yourself to spend time with people only to get bored and annoyed by them.
I hope these ideas make sense, as I’m finding it a little hard to think straight. Heat does that to me.
I’ve nominated you for 7 things about me. http://mm172001.wordpress.com/2012/08/02/7-things-about-me-award/ Sorry if you’ve already been nominated before. My brains been in a bit of a whirlwind lately.
No, I don’t have that one already. Thanks! I’ll get to it soon.
Both this and part 1 are really life-affirming. You deserve to be one of the top results for the loner search.
I, too, often wonder whether my preference for solitude evolved because of my social anxiety. We find ways to entertain ourselves because we don’t want to go out into the world.
Cheers! Thanks for some great posts.
Thanks! I’m glad they were helpful. That first post is more substantive than I remembered it being; I’m a little surprised by it.
I am an introvert and love doing things by myself. Being in groups of people bothers me b/c everyone talks over another and little listening happens. The hardest part for me is not apologizing for wanting to be alone. I like being around people– to an extent. Soon I’m wandering off by myself. Great post– really enjoyed your thoughts on this matter.
Thanks. I like being around people sometimes, too. But often they talk so much and I can’t get a word in edgewise. Also, people tend to forget I’m there, or I wind up sitting alone somewhere because I can’t maneuver myself into the socializing. I do feel guilty, though, when people invite me to something and I don’t feel like going just because I’d rather have alone time. It makes it seem like I don’t ever want to do anything.
Very good post. Funny you mentioned how extroverts like to be heard. They aren’t always the best listeners. Ever come up with a concept or say something and they turn around to say the say thing slightly different? They are often heard more because they are extroverts but the ideas are never original because they come from the introverts.
Yes, indeed. It always annoys me when I suggest something and then one of the extroverts suggests the same thing a little later and everyone compliments them on what a great idea it is. I had it first!
Very annoying.
You go, girl!! There’s nothing wrong with enjoying your own company, nothing wrong with needing to be alone to re-engergize; to have silence around you instead of ever-increasing noise that seems to be a must for our society; to be alone with God; to read; to think; to write; to sing; to dance; to do whatever you feel like doing.
I don’t understand people who want constant noise or people who want to constantly be on the go or people who are afraid to be alone. To me, this means they are afraid of silence, afraid of being still and afraid to face who they really are. God says, “Be still and know that I am God.” How can you do that if you’re constantly surrounded by distractions? Yes, if you’re a strong enough individual, you can be surrounded by thousands of people, where there’s lots of noise, and still be alone and quiet in your own mind with God. Unfortunately, many people are easily distracted and unable to do this.
And I agree with you and Totsymae, but I never looked at it that way before. You’re both right because it’s happened to me, too. I’ve said something, come up with a new idea or a question no one’s thought of before and suddenly it’s being shouted throughout the room — whether it’s in someone’s home, a party or in the workplace — and it morphs into belonging to the person who shouted to get everyone’s attention. Or what’s even worse is when their shouting made everyone silent and all eyes and ears focused on me, because the shouter said, “Kathy has something she’d like to say.” No, Kathy already said what she wanted to say and if she’d wanted to make a public announcement, which she never would, she’d climb up on a chair and shout for everyone to be quiet and listen, which again would never happen!! I HATE being put in the spotlight. It embarrasses me, makes my face turn red, my voice tremble, my body shake and my mind go numb!! How dare anyone do that to another individual!?! They dare to do it because their ego is bigger than their intelligence and sensitivity.
So I shall shout out in my mind, in order to make you smile, “LONERS UNITE — in your home by yourselves while knowing other loners are with you, separately and apart!!”
Ha, I like your call for unity!
I hate being in the spotlight, too. I’ve had to learn to be a little more comfortable with it, but I still feel nervous and awkward about it. What really embarrasses me is when I say something to people near me and they don’t hear me, but someone else hears me then looks at me. If I’m not heard, I would prefer to pretend like I said nothing at all, but that situation makes it difficult for me to use that tactic.
There are many activities that require one to be alone–reading, writing, etc. If it’s okay to be alone then, what’s wrong with preferring that alone state?
Excellent post. I’m married and I have two children, but I’m still a loner. I prefer my own company, I can’t stand the noise of big get togethers, I don’t like going to parties. I frequently need time by myself and I enjoy solitude. I’ve always thought that there was something wrong with me because I’m only comfortable socialising with a handful of people I’ve known for many years.
Yeah, sometimes I wonder if there’s something wrong with me too because I prefer socializing with a few people rather than large gatherings. I’ve wondered whether it made me miss out on some college experiences that I’d regret not having, for example.
This is a great post and fantastic addition to your first one. I just went to read that one first before reading this one, and I found it really interesting. Now, to read this second part, I think it’s awesome ’cause you tap into some great ideas and facts here.
I am a loner. I have always been an introvert, however my hypomanic episodes can bring out a different person in me. Since my anxiety has hit me so hard, though, those episodes are spent at home, doing anything I can think of doing. But, I find it interesting, that even during those hypomanic periods, there were a decent number of times when I was by myself. As I read the part about how loners can actually churn out a high quality delivery of some sort, due to being able to work by themselves, really rings true for me. Prior to my life taking a horrible tumble, I freelanced for photography and graphic design. I hated the parts where I was on the “field” and actually working with people. I ached to get back home where I would sit in front of the computer and get to work my way and at my speed.
When I would get to working on the at-home parts of the jobs I had, I would feel so comfortable and relaxed. I was at ease in that “loner” environment. And, I would churn out work with which my clients were always extremely happy and satisfied. I haven’t freelanced in three years, aside from some family projects. But, that loner attitude still applies. I work so well by myself and I love the going back and forth about ideas in my own head, amongst myself, and not with another person. In the end, I feel more satisfaction with my completed projects, because I did them alone. It all came from me, and I can claim the finished project all to myself. That feels good and makes me feel like I have an accomplishment.
I can’t help but make the comparison to the Olympics, as they are going on right now. In gymnastics and swimming for example. There is the team end of the games, and the all-around solo end of the games. Winning a team medal is awesome from the looks of it. But, at the same time, you see those same athletes wanting to win by themselves. They want to prove that they can do it on their own, with their own individual scores, and without the team’s scores going toward their win. I think that’s a loner aspect right there. Yeah, they’re in front of millions/billions of people, but still, it is all them, and them alone.
Thanks so much for this post. It’s a thought-provoking topic for sure, and I’m sure lots of people will find it helpful and interesting when they find it in their search results.
That’s an interesting insight into how the Olympics have a loner aspect!
Thanks for sharing your experiences. Your reflections are well-thought-out and further attestation to how being a loner can be positive!
It’s so comforting to see people sharing their stories so openly. I’ve just started blogging two weeks ago and I’m up to doing three entries a day. Knowing that people can share so openly and have the same thoughts, fears, likes, and dislikes that I do, helps me know I’m not crazy or weird. In two weeks, I have really been able to explore the truth that no one can define who I am but me.
With all of the luck,
Phoenix
I’m glad you’ve found blogging helpful for self-expression. Being part of the community is indeed a cathartic thing.
I’ve gotten so many helpful responses and supportive comments… It’s been an awesome experience so far.
Phoenix
This is also really well written and explained. Might it be worth re-blogging for Canvas? I know it’s not particularly mental health related, but it kind of is……. Maybe……. xox
While I was writing about it, I actually thought about whether I should post it on Canvas instead. But since it is a sequel to a previous post on this blog, one I wrote before I was even part of Canvas, I thought I should keep it here. Reblogging it there might be a good idea, but I’m also afraid of being all spammy with the reblogging stuff.
Hmm I know what you mean, I get worried about re-blogging too, but sometimes people re-blog stuff and it’s amazing and I’m thankful for it! xox
I totally agree about being in an extrovert society. I hate group projects in college, I will volunteer to do all the work rather than have to rely on others who don’t contribute or do so poorly, constantly changing things when they show up. I do need time alone to regenerate but I also need time with people (socialize isn’t the correct word) or the inner madness that is me will push me over the edge.
I hated group projects because often I would wind up doing all the work. Or I had to go along with work I didn’t agree with. I need time with people sometimes, too. I think everyone does, even loners. I don’t think it would be healthy to be alone 100% of the time.
Reblogged this on A Canvas Of The Minds and commented:
I don’t normally like to reblog posts from my personal blog onto Canvas, but perhaps this one could be relevant, especially since many Canvas writers and readers are introverts. It’s a sequel to another post I did about loners since most search traffic that my blog gets involves loners.
Reblogged this on MMM… Meditation, Mental health, Mindful crochet and commented:
Do you consider yourself a loner? Do you find you need time alone to recharge? Do you think there are not enough listeners? This post raises many questions, and gives many positves for being a ‘loner’.
It’s the first time I’m visiting your blog and it feels so good to realize that there are other “loners” than me… I like being around my friends but whenever they come visit me for more than a day and a sleep-over, I’m stressed out because I can’t be on my own… although, of course, I still love them.
I’m glad you find knowing that helpful! I think a lot of us loners often feel, well, alone in our preferences. But I think there are more loners out there than most may believe. I like being around people, too, and the point of this post isn’t so much to say “we loners want to be alone *all* the time” as to say “we loners like a good amount of alone time, and that’s okay.” I don’t think it’s healthy to be 100% alone all the time.
This is an absolutely brilliant post. Well said xx
Thank you!
Oh my goodness what a fab post! Yes I am a complete loner and chose this for myself maybe 5 or so years ago after being ‘out there’ continuously. I was the drinker, the partier, the socialiser and I slowly began to see how damaged I was. I withdrew completely, not even leaving my home for weeks on end. Now I do see more people but very rarely (maybe 4 times a year!) for socialising. I see people when I go shopping etc but that is really it. This is a choice I have made because my soul needs it. I do not do well in other peoples company for very long as they tend to drain me, I need to back off and re-charge especially if I am with someone negative. I love my own company and need a peaceful, solitary life in order to feel complete. Is any of this making sense? I absolutely agree with the point you made about people only being and on being seen as worthwhile and a success if they are ‘out there’. I find this sad because I don’t want to be out there networking and being a social butterfly, I want to be able to help, connect with, listen to, live and love people from the gentle and peaceful place I have created for myself. It seems the two cannot meet so I guess that leaves the question – how does a loner become a success? My life is built around my insight, intuition, meditation, spirituality and Source and for me being anything but a loner would not enable me to embrace those things the way I need to.
Fabulous, fabulous, fabulous! Thanks so much!
Always in love & light
Ellie J x
I’m glad you’ve found success with being a loner. It gives me hope! And it make perfect sense! I’ve often felt insecure because I want to be alone a lot, but I think that shouldn’t be the case . . . why socialize all the time if you’d rather be doing something else?
Precisely! So many people say to me “you must go out more, you must be lonely, you must meet more friends, isnt it sad you have no life!” lol like success to them is based around how many friends they have and how many facebook and twitter connections they have made! My question I guess to them is “are all of these people you surround yourself with real friends?” and is their something sorely lacking in your own inner self that needs to be able to say “its okay, i am a success because look at all of my friends, look at my busy social life, I am busy therefore I must be successful!” My goodness, if I based my success on the amount of socialising, friends and acquaintances I have they I must indeed be a complete and utter failure in every part of my life
Let me ask you – why do you want to be alone a lot? Do you feel better, more connected, more creative, more in tune with yourself when you are alone? I guess if it is a case of wanting to be alone because you are running away or suffering depression etc it is a different story but if it is a case of needing to be alone because it truly nurtures your soul then surely that is only a good thing? Many people may baulk against it, many people will hassle you and condemn you, many people wont understand and may take on the guise of being worried about you. But heres the thing, who’s life are you living? who is/should be your number one priority? Are you living their journey or your own? My own fairly solitary life is what makes my spirit soar. This is where I feel most connected to my Source. The energy of other people is often very detrimental to my mood, well-being and outlook so why would I wish to put myself in situations that dont serve my highest good just to appease other people and fulfil their idea of what being successful is? Solitude is not for everyone I guess but I am a huge believer in the fact that many people need to be constantly with others, busy and entertained because their is a shadow side to themselves that they are either unwilling, uncomfortable or unable to look at.
I think I have babbled on enough lol I’d love to hear your thoughts on this
Always in Love & Light,
Ellie J x
Well, I think I prefer being alone for both good and bad reasons. I do have social anxiety, and sometimes depression makes me isolate. But I also need the alone time to be creative and re-energize. And I get kind of annoyed by other people sometimes, too.
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