A Realization, or, The Benefits of Cavorting with Le Clown

As you may know, lately I’ve been hanging out over at Le Clown on Fire playing a blogroll game with my circus. It’s actually given me more benefits than the fact that I’m a serious contender. The circus is currently in sixth place in a contest with six winners. We’re on the bubble! Not bad for a rogue.

While of course I want a larger audience for the circus, however, as I just mentioned, the contest has actually helped me get over a recent spell, one I wouldn’t hesitate to call one of my worst spells ever. If you’ve been on here in the past week or so, you know what I’m talking about.

Initially, I entered the circus into the contest on a lark. I didn’t expect to be a serious contender. I didn’t know there would be challenges. I just thought it would be great to give the circus a little more exposure. Normally, I wouldn’t even have deigned to do that much. Though the circus demands I be more outgoing, I feel more comfortable fading into the woodwork. But Tuesday night proved to be one of the two worst nights of my recent spell. I wouldn’t hesitate to say I was seriously suicidal. But eventually I came home and took a shower. Then late Tuesday night, I checked on WordPress, and since Le Clown is one of the most humorous blogs I regularly read, I clicked over there because I wanted to read something a little light.

When I went over there, I saw the contest. Feeling more impulsive than usual, I humbly submitted my circus. In the days since, I’ve blushed and wondered whatever could have possessed me to do such a thing. But because I was in the game, I decided to go all the way.  As I mentioned in my first Canvas post, I’m the sort of person who seriously dedicates myself to something once I agree to it. I’d put the circus in the blogroll contest, so I was going to see it all the way through.

And I think my dedication to the contest helped pull me out of my recent spell. It gave me something fun to set my mind to. When reading the other challenge submissions, I found myself growing ever more bolder. I thought all of my attempts at humor would fall flat. After all, in real life, most people don’t even think I have a sense of humor. (I do.) Was I just making an ass of myself?

But to my surprise, I found that other people thought my submissions were as humorous as I did. I’ve actually had some top submissions for two of the three challenges! Maybe I really could be funny! Maybe my jokes don’t work in real life because I always tell them with a self-conscious air! (There’s also the fact that I can seem serious when I’m not . . . I have a dry wit, and since I’m usually pretty serious, people who don’t know me too well never pick up on it.)

As regular readers know, I’m quite insecure. So knowing that I could be humorous, one of the qualities I’m most unsure about in myself, is a self-esteem boost.

The blogroll contest isn’t something I’d normally actively participate in. Read and enjoy everything the participants are doing, sure. But put the spotlight on me? How can I compare with all of the hilarious people who congregate in Le Clown’s lounge?

But somehow, my moment of impulsivity paid off. Even if the circus doesn’t make it on the blogroll, I’ve received more from the contest than I ever could’ve imagined.

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