I am afraid that some of the things I’m about to say could possibly be offensive or portray me in an unflattering light. But when I started this blog, I promised to be brutally honest, and so far I’ve stuck to that promise. The fears I will discuss have been simmering in my mind for a few weeks, and I need to write about them, try to suss out the threads.
A while ago, I wrote a post about the possibility that I could have Asperger’s. I explained the reasons I thought that possibility was likely and the reasons I thought it was unlikely.
Last time I saw my latest pdoc, she mentioned that it seemed as if I could have Asperger’s. In the post I linked to above, I touched on an insecurity I felt about that label, but my thoughts have taken a more personal turn, one related to how I view myself.
Even if one day someone should proclaim I have Asperger’s, it never occurred to me that it would change my perception of myself, not until that appointment with the pdoc.
At the end of my appointment with the pdoc, I said that I felt like I never belonged anywhere, like I couldn’t connect. We discussed how I’ve often felt like I was “different” than other people. She said, “You are different.” Then she brought up that I reminded her of some of her patients with Asperger’s and that perhaps it was something I should think about.
I don’t know why, but something in her tone made me feel as if I could be slightly offended at the idea of me having Asperger’s. Maybe that implication wasn’t really there, but it evoked questions in my mind. Should I be offended if one day I’m “officially” diagnosed with Asperger’s? Would it offend me?
Since I was a child, I’ve felt different than everyone else. Yet I could occasionally spot similar differences in other people. Unlike me, though, those people seemed to be able to connect with others. This would make me resentful. Why should they have those connections and not me? What was with my rotten luck?
I could (and still can) tell when someone was socially awkward. I could tell when someone had qualities others would find off-putting, and I could tell when they didn’t seem to comprehend social cues. I, on the other hand, did understand social cues, even if I couldn’t convincingly follow those cues.
I thought there was nothing off-putting about me. Sure, people seemed to keep me at a distance, but that was surely because of my timidity or my dull-as-dishwater personality.
But what if there is something off-putting about me? What if I can read the off-putting quality in others, yet I’m blind to how off-putting I am?
I feel like I can’t live with knowing I’m off-putting. It’s hard to explain why. If I am off-putting, I don’t know why I never perceived that feature in myself. All those people I’d seen as off-putting . . . I didn’t look down on them, but I would excuse some quirks of theirs because I could tell they were just different. In a way, I feel like this is condescending, like it’s a comment on their intelligence or something. But what if I’m one of the people others think they should treat like that? If so, that would seem to reflect on my ability to understand fundamentals about how the world works.
Now that I’ve laid out this fear in writing, I suddenly get it. Literally, I just understood at this very minute. Being treated like that, knowing others treat me like that, would frustrate me because I believe I do understand those fundamentals; I just somehow don’t fit into the world. This would be unlike those other people I’ve met before, but perhaps I am being insulting to them as well. Perhaps they really could understand those same things without behaving according to them.
Yet I feel like I do act in a societally appropriate way, but I’m just unable to form connections.
Or maybe I’ve been deluded my whole life about this matter. Maybe I’ve been completely oblivious about why I’m an outsider; maybe it is caused by more than the social anxiety.
And that’s also something I can’t handle, the idea that I’ve been so erroneous about myself all my life. I’ve been thinking that I’ve been a consistently self-aware person, but perhaps there’s a large piece of myself I never even noticed.
And then to have that be a part of myself that determines what people think of me, how they interpret my actions . . .
It seems like an unfair way for others to define me, because it’s not my defining characteristic at all. At least, it feels that way to me. But I could be wrong . . . and the thought of being so completely wrong for so long, it stings.
I understand part of what you’re saying and I think it’s because I am autistic (same thing as Asperger), i understand what’s like being different.
I’m going to speak a little about how I found out I have ASD since I felt similar to what you wrote, hope it’s okay.
When I first suspected I was actually autistic I felt a lot like you described and the false information I could find didn’t helped, even professionals are full of misinformation like the myth of lack of empathy and that we don’t have humour, etc. Some would act like Asperger/Autism is an insult. With time this label made me feel a lot better, I understood a lot more about myself because I could finally see there are others like me, I have a lot more self-awareness now that I now what I am. I now don’t feel like an outsider so much. It is hard for an autistic person to be really self-aware, we are surrounded by non-autistic people and have no validation and no knowledge of how to develop without trying to pretend that we are like everyone else.
I was only able to understand that it is what I am and that it wasn’t bad after finding real information that was not based on myths, misinformations and prejudices, basically most of it from other autistic people that didn’t suffer from the stereotyped view non-autistic have of us. Basic information and tests didn’t helped, truly learning from people that are autistic was what made me accept it.
In the end that label was one of the most helpful things for me, before saying I have only social anxiety didn’t made sense and some thing was missing, I felt awful, now its’s a little better. I think finding out I was autistic helped with the social anxiety too, I now act a lot more natural that makes people feel less worried even if it makes me look more autistic, it’s better than trying to fake being someone else and being unable to relate to anyone because of using a social mask all the time.
Sorry about the long personal comment, I don’t know if I was able to say what I wanted here or if it made sense, too late to try again.
No need to apologize. Your comment is very helpful.
Personally, I don’t think it’d help me with social anxiety to know I have Asperger’s (if I have it). I think my social anxiety is a separate thing, perhaps exacerbated by other things, but still separate. I’ve always known I have social anxiety, but when I was a kid, my family wouldn’t believe that it was more than mere shyness when I tried to tell them so.
I like the suggestion to read about what others with the condition would say about it. The lack of empathy, etc., doesn’t seem to fit with me, certainly. It’d be useful to see the more nuanced way people experience it.
I still feel like I wouldn’t want the label, though I guess I wouldn’t have to tell people about it. I just don’t want to be defined through the label. (Or actually any label, for that matter. That’s why I try to be careful and use people-first language: I have bipolar disorder, not I *am* bipolar, etc.) Sure, the labels are part of me, but that’s what they are: a part.
Just to be more clear, I also think social anxiety is very different from ASD.
I think that I could explain better, my social anxiety is at the same level but I can cope with it better because the anxiety of pretending is weaker, I have more energy and coping mechanisms now and that gives the impression of having less social anxiety, in reality I am dealing with it better and less anxiety from pretending. Still hard to deal with it but better.
I don’t know anyone on the autism spectrum that has an empathy problem and there are many great articles saying we can be overwhelmed by too much empathy and that looks like less empathy. There is even a blog about autism and empathy. Many people falsely think they don’t have Asperger just because they care about others.
I understand that about the labels, not my personal opinion or language use but I understand it. Many people in the autism community use language like the Deaf community and refuse people first, I got used to it except when someone asks not to use it. Labels can limit us or help us explain things but it’s hard to use them, especially with labels other people think that are negative descriptions.
Semantics matter to me, so that’s why I feel as I do about the language. I understand that perhaps refusing people-first would be a way of embracing characteristics and showing you’re not ashamed of them, but I don’t feel that way about only labels. I would say something like “she teaches,” “she works as a teacher,” for example, because the person in question shouldn’t be defined just by their job. Of course, I guess I sometimes say things like “she’s a teacher” because it’s less wordy, lol. So I don’t know. I have a tendency to analyze things too much, and it’s showing here . . .
I’m glad you mention the details about empathy. I think I really do have more empathy than the average person, yet I can’t express my emotions. I seem emotionless to people who don’t know me well. Part of it is being overwhelmed, but not all of it. I just can’t express them. If I try to, it feels fake somehow, perhaps even like I’m cheapening the emotion by visibly expressing it (and doing so in a way that wouldn’t do justice to how I feel).
I don’t think knowing I have Asperger’s (requisite caveat: if I have Asperberger’s) would help me cope with social anxiety. My social anxiety doesn’t come from pretending, at least not that much. But I guess that just shows people are different.
Questioning our core beliefs is a prolonged and painful process. Asperger’s and autism runs in my family and I’ve often wondered if that was why I struggled with human connections. I still don’t have an answer. In some ways it would be a relief for me, because it would explain a lot. At the same time, it’s scary, based on what I know about how “those” people are treated and looked at. I don’t think the diagnosis prevents people from being able to form a connection somewhere at some point though. Yes, it’s harder. But not impossible. I too, can spot some social awkwardness but also know I have it in varying degrees depending on my comfort levels with certain situations. It wouldn’t change how I was able to relate (or not) though… I would just present me with an explanation. I think those who are self-aware often have more feelings of disjointedness and lack of connection though, especially those with higher intelligence because they question everything. I’m on my way to an existential crisis if I keep thinking the way I do, and I think it’s easier for the general population to tolerate life if they don’t over-think it! It is frightening to question what you’ve always believed but at the same time, it doesn’t change how you live/operate/react so it’s not really that scary… Instead, maybe think about what a fulfilling life would truly look like for you and maybe take some steps towards making that happen. Slowly. Surely. Steadily. Little baby steps. Thinking of you. xo.
Thanks for the kind thoughts.
I know that I’m definitely socially awkward–and awkward in general! Part of it is because I can’t convincingly play the part, even though I comprehend how. It just doesn’t seem natural, and then I’m a klutz, so that will come into play, lol.
Perhaps it isn’t impossible for people with Asperger’s to form connections . . . but I’ve felt all my life that it’s something I truly don’t have. Even when there’s a bit of a connection, there’s still a great deal of distance. Then again, I do know that alienation is often part of the modern condition . . . that’s what being a lover of literature has taught me anyway, lol. But I can see the difference between me and others, and I don’t think it’s imaginary.
I do sometimes wonder if I would be more satisfied with life if I didn’t think so much, but I can’t help it. To accept something and be sure, without the need to question and critique–it seems like that could be comforting.
I think an explanation for some of my characteristics could be helpful, too. It would show the logic behind some of what I experience.
A label has two sides.
It can be liberating to know what is different between you and another, and to finally have a correct diagnosis.
It can be a stigma. Or felt like one.
Boths sides of the label are true for the one who is labeled as for the other one knowing about the label on you.
Excellent point, and a well-expressed one. Like I said before, when it comes down to it, I just don’t want people to see me as synonymous with the label. But it would certainly help to have an explanation.
If you don’t know ‘Musings of an Aspie’ – http://musingsofanaspie.com/adult-diagnosis/ – check it out. That link is to her reflections on coming to terms with the diagnosis, and thinking about what it means to her self-conception. I think you’ll find it interesting – that series in particular, but her blog in general will be useful for you if you continue exploring the spectrum. And there are a number of other great aspie/ASD blogs on her blogroll – I do agree that reading what ASD people say about their own experiences might be more useful than reading research and so-on, at least for now. Good luck <3
That blog looks interesting; thanks for referring me to it! I think I’ll look at the testing stuff first. And I’ll probably browse the self-conception stuff, too. I’ve been looking for some good resources that go deeper than the surface, and that blog seems like it might fit the bill.