Immersive

I like to completely immerse myself in almost everything I do. It helps me connect with the material, get work done. If I’m in the zone, I’m in the zone.

But there’s something dangerous about my predilection for immersion–it threatens to take me away from reality. This is why video-gaming entertainment would never be for me. (That, and the fact that I was never good at video games, nor did I enjoy them all that much.)

But I immerse myself in other things–books. Movies. TV shows. Food.

Anything can become an addiction, so much so that I will live inside that world rather than reality. Not  that I’m unaware of reality or ignoring my real-world responsibilities. Far from it, but my mind is elsewhere. Perhaps it’s not an addiction per se, but it’s something akin to addiction at least.

Blogging used to be one of those immersion activities. That’s one reason I don’t blog as much as I used to. It might not have been noticeable to anyone reading, but blogging had started to consume my life. I suppose there were signs, such as the fact that I occasionally mentioned that my blogging life seemed more real than my “real life.”

Writing is different. My stories, they’re an immersion experience, but they’re much more than that. By “immersion experience,” I mean something that I submerge myself in. While that happens with my stories, there’s also more to them than that. With them, I also take parts of myself and submerge them in the stories.

But with reading, it can be a different story. Sure, I absorb knowledge about writing styles and analyze what I’m reading, but that involves me burying myself in the book’s contents.

TV shows are easier to immerse myself in than movies. There are dozens of episodes, and the result is a TV show’s own intricate universe. It’s easy to get lost in that universe.

We all need a little escapism now and then. That’s why forms of entertainment exist. But I’m afraid, for me, it might go too far. It’s not something anyone would ever notice. I don’t seem to indulge in entertainment any more than a normal person would. (Food, maybe.) But my brain, my mind . . . it halfway lives elsewhere.

Sometimes I wish I could let the fantasy, whatever it is I’m immersing myself in, take over. Then I’d have an excuse for the fact that I’m often drowning in the real world.

I fervently want to live in an alternate reality. I want another life, not my own. Not because my life sucks–it’s not that bad, and there are tons of worse lives out there. But I just–I don’t know.

There’s a hollowness, an emptiness, inside of me that never goes away. There’s a sense of intense guilt that fucking never goes away.

I don’t want it, any of it. The loneliness. The knowledge of how abject I am.

No matter what I do, it never fucking goes away.

That’s why I’m so pathetic that I am compelled to immerse my mind elsewhere.

There’s nothing I can do to express the intensity of it all. I can’t act against myself; I’m too cowardly. I can stuff my face, but at the moment it’s not working as an act of self-destruction, but as an immersion experience. It sounds beyond pathetic, the fact that I will immerse myself in the taste for one split second, for each bite, and let that be all there is for that second.

I need to do something to punish myself, but I can’t. I can do nothing but wallow and cower.

The more the darkness consumes me, the more I immerse myself in other things, other things that my mind buries itself in, other things that can do nothing to counteract the darkness, that can in fact increase the darkness even as they give me one ephemeral moment in which I am free.

9 Comments

Filed under Mental Health

9 responses to “Immersive

  1. you know, it seems that many people seek for an alternate reality and refuse to acknowledge reality in some cases. But, you are ok girl. We all need to escape with something and at least you realize it as an escape and still recognize what is real. That may not have made much sense but what I am saying is that many people have a harder time with that. You are really smart though. I tend to be the same way and with food as well. Good to see a post from you xx

  2. we all like to escape, be it TV, a movie or a great book.

    Have you thought of doing some volunteer work? Something to get you out, meet new people, something you enjoy, maybe even at a library… it may fill that hollowness. Just a thought. It could be rewarding too. :)

    • I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t fill the hollowness. Maybe if I’m ever feeling brave enough, I’ll try to volunteer, just for the need-to-get-out factor. And it doesn’t hurt to help others, of course. But it’s tricky; the prospect of meeting new people can lead to me freezing with sheer panic.

      • you can pick something where you would cope easier. The hollowness will be filled when someone there becomes a close friend…. ….. adds extra dots for dramatic effect. ;)

        you never know.

  3. “The more the darkness consumes me, the more I immerse myself in other things, other things that my mind buries itself in, other things that can do nothing to counteract the darkness, that can in fact increase the darkness even as they give me one ephemeral moment in which I am free.”
    It’s the same with me!

    • It’s nice to know someone can relate. I’m sorry you feel like that, too, though. :(

    • lost

      “It’s the same with!”

      It’s the same with me. Actually, the whole post by the author reflects my own experience. I have never heard/read someone experiencing the exact same things… so I’m a bit surprised.

      Probably the only difference is that I’m good at video games and play a lot and they are my biggest nightmare because I so much easily get immersed in them that my real life suffers. But I do it because I want to fill the emptiness and so far, games have been the only thing that fills is the most (if the game is really good, though).

      …And I don’t know what to do. I know am introverted (even one of the most introverted types, as is my understanding), I know that I’m dreamy and love fantasies and romance but I also know that I’m very realistic about the real world (yeah, I know 0_0).

      In the countless sleepless nights in my life I’ve managed to overanalyse almost all aspects of my psyche – thought patters, feelings, emotions – I’ve pondered so many existential questions that are related to my own life and experience… to no avail. The emptiness remains there and nothing seems to fill it in.

      I even thought there’s something really wrong with my as in a mental disease/condition – but it’s just odd because as much as I read the only thing that I discover is that I have symptoms of all of them… But it’s hard to put myself in just one… The closest is a bipolar disorder but it doesn’t fit completely.

      Anyway, the Emptiness or Void as I call it is there and nothing fills it in. Currently, I’m trying to do only one thing and that is not filling in the Void with anything, just let myself feel every aspect of it until I’m completely immersed in it. (He-he, while writing this I realize how ironic it is). I don’t know what will happen, perhaps something bad with me or my life, but I know for sure that every other single thing doesn’t work.

      I’m grateful for your post and I’ll probably read more from your blog.

      All the best.

      • I’m glad the post was helpful for you. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from my foray into the mental health system, it’s that most people really don’t fit into all the possible diagnoses out there, not exactly. They’re just approximations of general trends. I seem to show aspects of many things yet not enough to actually be diagnosed by that thing. It took several years of seeing professionals before we were able to see that I might have bipolar disorder even though it doesn’t manifest in strictly the “normal” way.

        I wish you all the best, and hope you’re doing okay.

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