Marooned in Myself

It’s hard to explain where my head space has been for the past few months. I don’t know what I should be saying right now. For the past few days, I keep coming on here to post then freezing and having nothing to say.

Well, at work, a few months ago we applied to have my job become a full-time one. The fiscal year begins in July, and since I haven’t heard anything about the matter, I assume it’s a no-go.

This is going to sound really childish, but I’ve always had a belief that things work themselves out for the best. In my life, that used to seem to happen, anyway. It’s also kept me going. But for the past year, things haven’t gone that way, and I’m just afraid I’m destined to fall. That belief is stupid, anyway. Loads of people don’t have things work out for them, so why should they for me? I’m not so damn special. Plus, the world often isn’t fair.

Ideally, I’d like to stay at my current job and have it be full-time. I’m decent at it. I like it there. I’m finally starting to feel like I belong. After two and a half years, which is kind of pathetic, but still. That’s the way I am. It’ll probably take me that long to feel comfortable someplace else.

I feel like this ideal is what’s best for me and my mental health. The pressure of starting over terrifies me. The idea of interviewing and looking for a new job terrifies me. That’s why I’m not assiduous at job-hunting.

For the past few months, I’ve been isolating. I continue to isolate. It’s like I live in this dream world in my mind and ignore large concerns in favor of small ones, only living from day to day. I drift. I let my mind be consumed by stories, both my own and those of others, whether that be in the form of books, movies, or TV shows.

And I like it.

But it can’t last. Bigger concerns will no doubt crash into it all one day. Plus, I feel hollow and alone. I can’t stay like that perpetually.

But I want to stay like this. Keep my anxiety at bay. Be consumed by fantasy because it’s all I have, because I don’t belong in this world.

The more I isolate, the more anxious I do become when I have to be around people. The more I just shut everything out.

The more I don’t read others’ blogs. I feel so guilty about it. I do care about the bloggers I follow. But I fear that maybe I’m lying to myself about that, because wouldn’t I stay more caught up if I did?

Yet I don’t. I continue to remain in my bubble. And the worst part is, I’m not even doing that badly. Just isolating. But perhaps that’s why I’m not doing too badly in the first place–I’ve inured myself into a self-contained isolationist world.

I don’t know. I don’t know what on earth I’m rambling about. But there you have it: the unlikeableness of me.

17 Comments

Filed under Mental Health

17 responses to “Marooned in Myself

  1. Red

    nice to see you. by the way I like you just fine. :)

  2. I completely understand where you are coming from. I have been in a similar rut in recent months. I just about to embark on a completely different career with a degree. I do believe things work out for the best but it is easy to lose faith in that belief after a few blows to your confidence. Hang in there hon your not rambling, you’re just speaking your mind and doing it well. Jen

    • Thanks. I try to make myself look at things more long-term, but I feel like I’ve been where I am now for much too long. Since I’m someone with little confidence to begin with, every blow has quite an effect.

  3. Good to see you here! I think you are likeable. The fact that you isolate yourself doesn’t make you unlikeable! Come back soon.

    • Thanks. I just feel like the fact that I’m isolating and not reaching out or talking much to people might make it look like I don’t care. Or make me seem unlikeable because I’m not taking an active role in relationships. If that makes sense.

  4. Keep on trying to make sense of it all and it’s good that you are reaching out just by publishing a post.. Thanks for posting..

  5. The same thing keeps me going, oftentimes. The belief that everything works out on its own. On top of that, sometimes the ever popular “things have to get worse before they can get better” helps.

    • Yeah, I think about the idea of things getting worse to get better, too. That helps sometimes. I’m just too impatient on occasion. How long do they have to get worse before they get better?

  6. I have never read your blog posts before, but a lot of the people I follow also follow your blog, so I thought I should read some of it.
    I think you articulated yourself very well. I could almost feel what you were writing. I, too, have experienced living in my own “space bubble.” It was a very isolating experience. The fact that you posted about it is a positive. Just keep reaching out even if it is through a blog.

  7. It was a Great touching post…… Love your work !

  8. penneyknightly

    Angel,

    You articulated so many truths that I’ve felt intensely throughout a greater part of my adult life. I hear your heart: the ache, the longing, and the fear. I have been in this place you’re describing. Part of it is that I am made similarly to you, a wiring that requires a lot of time and personal space. I have read many books on introversion and I believe that is what it is to some extent. I have heard introversion described as: other people exhaust you, whereas with personalities who are extroverts, they are excited and pumped-up by interacting with other people. I am definitely on the “people exhaust me” side of the scale a good deal of the time. On the other hand, I live with two people who are sensitive like me, don’t like loud noises, and who are gentle and soft in their sensibilities. We are with each other nearly all the time. We live together, eat together, share businesses together, have intersecting hobbies and creative spaces, and I have to say that they are the joy of my life. We are of a like mind, similarly creative, introspective, with gentle temperaments. I think it depends largely on finding the right group of people to spend your time with, who are upbuilding and encouraging, and a positive energy to you.

    A lot of my isolation was related to depression in the past, and with self-esteem issues stemming from severe childhood sexual abuse. Dissociation was also a factor, and is something I battle with daily. Saying that you like being in your own world and floating, is putting yourself in a dissociative trance. It is a self-soothing mechanism for when you’re feeling distressed and anxious, which is understandable, and which may be nearly automatic for you by now, having been a repetitive behavior. The truth is, dissociation is effective because you allow it to be. Any repetitive behavior is easier for your brain to carry out, because it’s done it before—think of your daily routine: taking a shower, brushing your teeth, all automatic, basically. Dissociation can become the same way, a learned behavior, and a way of taking life away from you, because it steals your present-moment awareness. It can feel like a way of having control, but drifting doesn’t give you control—drifting puts you at the mercy of your environment, which can deepen your self of inferiority and inability to cope.

    I hope I don’t sound preachy, I am saying this for my benefit and I hope for yours. Dissociation can become…an addiction. Dissociation is the most extreme form of Avoidance. As someone who has suffered from multiple personality disorder and has learned the value of present-moment awareness, I can tell you that you can change your brain. You have to want to, more than you want anything else. (I had to fake wanting to, until my emotions caught up with me a bit.) How to conquer it? Work on self-love. Have an active, positive running monologue in your mind. Focus on the little things in the outside world. Breathe deeply, in and out. Push yourself into living. I know it’s hard. Some days, I’m really not that effective at it, but it is at the forefront of my mind—I want to be here, and I want to be fully myself, and it if I don’t like what I see, or it needs some work, I can do that, I can work on that. You have to take it one day at a time.

    I know there isn’t much information out there about dissociation being an addiction. But you can treat as it you would any other addiction, making a commitment to change. It takes making a decision to be present over and over again, every few seconds, until it sticks in my your mind’s pattern of operation, over time.

    Please don’t be panicky or afraid. Or feel angry or attacked. It can seem like dissociation is all you are, or all you have—but that’s just a trick of the mind. You are more, and have the potential to be more, to feel more ranges of experience and to have the ability to cope with them and master your experience in life. You are a driver. You are in control, not a helpless victim. You are a person, an I. You can say Yes to Being You.

    (I hope I was helpful and not too alarming. If you want to talk further about your experiences, or vent some, or let me know how you’re doing, or if you want a friend who is in a similar situation—please e-mail me: penney@penneyknightly.com)

    Thanks for posting. I am saddened by your struggle, but felt that you were outstanding for speaking so openly about it. I admire your bravery for addressing the subject and seeking an understanding.

    Sincerely,
    Penney

    • Thanks. Your perspective is indeed helpful.

      Dissociation helped me cope for a long time, especially with social anxiety, to get through my days in school and such, with people around. Even when I was bored, I’d just go into my own little world. There’s nothing wrong with a bit of escapism (that’s why we have things like TV and books, after all), but there’s a point where it can become too much. I’m not sure if I’m there or not.

      It’s hard for me to fake things until I want them. I do try, but I don’t know, it’s like a part of my brain won’t cooperate because I know I’m faking it. I need to find some way to finagle it that’ll work with my brain, I suppose.

      Sorry I don’t have much to say about your thoughtful comment. My head feels kind of off right now, but I do want to say that I appreciate your comment very much.

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