Monthly Archives: March 2012

An Alarming Development

I know I said in my previous post that I probably wouldn’t be posting anymore this week. Looks like I lied. This’ll be a short one, though. It’s just that there’s been a development I feel I should document.

I overslept by more than an hour this morning.

I was an hour late to work.

This is so not like me. I am a timely person. If I’m late, usually it’s not by more than five minutes. I’ve certainly never been this late before.

Before I woke up, I kept having dreams that I didn’t get up in time to make it to the city where I soon go to try out for Jeopardy.

At work, I lied and said I’d forgotten to turn on my alarm.

I hadn’t. I woke up and noticed there was too much light in the room. I hoped that it was 8-something, but I had a sinking feeling it wouldn’t be. I glanced at my phone and saw it was 9:48. I’m supposed to be in by 9. F-U-C-Fudge. (Hey, I think I’m supposed to be family friendly here.)

I threw on some random clothes, grabbed a granola bar, took my meds, brushed my teeth, and left.

I am troubled by this. I know I didn’t forget to turn on my alarm because my phone was in the bed with me. That only ever happens when I press snooze and drop it wherever. Or as in this case, apparently, I turn it off.

But I have no memory of hearing the alarm at all. I’d even reached for the bedside to grab the phone, and for a second I was confused because my phone wasn’t there.

Yes, I press snooze. But I’m usually conscientious about it. I don’t turn off the alarm unless I’m clambering out of bed. And I always remember hearing the alarm.

Well, always except for today.

I don’t know what’s to blame. Seroquel? I did start doing a little oversleeping before the Seroquel, though. Not on this scale, of course. Maybe it’s a thyroid disorder.

Or perhaps it’s both the Seroquel and a thyroid disorder. With the Seroquel, I notice that I have extreme difficulty opening my eyes. I know I’ve mentioned that here before. Thyroid disorders run in my family, and there are a couple of other things that make me wonder if I have it, too. I need to stop twiddling my thumbs and get that checked out.

Whatever it is, apparently it’s slowly ruining my life.

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Filed under Mental Health

Drained

I don’t have anything to talk about, but I probably won’t be posting for the next few days. (At least, I shouldn’t be.) I’ve got blogs to catch up on. More than that, I’ve just realized how much crap I have to do this week. I’m nervous! Not to mention the Jeopardy tryout is this week. I’ve been playing trivia games and realized how slow my brain is. It’s never going to work! 😦 I have slow reflexes, too.

I just feel so drained. I had so much to do today. I saw how ineffective my timidity can make me in the workplace. I wanted to just go home and start crying.

I feel like I can’t handle life. I want to cut so much, but I’m not going to. I have Jeopardy to think about. My stupid timidity will be a detriment, though. I have the charisma of a box of rocks. I can’t even look people in the face, much less in the eye.

I have nothing more to say. My eyes cloud with unshed tears. There’s a pain in my heart as if a jagged piece of glass has pierced it.

My life is just so pathetic.

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Filed under Mental Health

Tagging Game Part Two

In my last post, I said I’d post my questions and ask 11 people to answer them. It seems that almost everyone I regularly read, though, has already done this. Poop. But I wants people to answer my questions! Okay, I’ll tag 11 of you, and you can do it if you want to. Or not. You’ve probably already been tagged by someone else. Hey, if I don’t tag you and you’d like to answer my questions for fun, please do so!

Okay, my eleven questions:

1) What is your favorite mini-series?

2) What song is currently stuck in your head?

3) If you’re a girl, who would you pick as your girl-crush? Or if you’re a guy, who would you pick as your guy-crush? You have to choose at least one. Although I guess this question has a heteronormative bias. Whoops. Well, if you identify as homosexual, choose someone of the opposite sex as your answer. Okay, I’m amending this question to try to make it as bias-free as possible. Who’s one guy and one girl you have a crush on? You must choose one of each.

4) If you got to choose any occupation you wanted and money wasn’t an issue, what would you choose and why?

5) When you’re using numbers to make a list, do you put periods, parentheses, or something else (if so, what), after the numbers? Why do you think you have this preference?

6) What sorts of books do you like to read, and why?

7) You’re driving for at least four hours by yourself. You don’t have a CD player, and you can’t hook up your mp3 player or smartphone to your stereo. How do you occupy yourself?

8) Do you believe in anything supernatural? If so, what?

9) Why do you visit my blog? (How’s that for a nosy self-promoting question? No, you don’t need to answer this second question. It’s rhetorical.)

10) If you have a smartphone, which 5 apps do you use the most? If you don’t have a smartphone, why not?

11) What is the most important principle for you to live your life by, and why?

Okay, I’ll tag these people–

1) I Was Just Thinking . . .

2) Mm172001’s Blog

3) As the Pendulum Swings

4) Through My Eyes: Adventures in Borderline Land

5) Disorderly Chickadee

6) The Quiet Borderline

7) Everydayclimb

8) The Life You Save May Be Your Own

9) Voices of Glass

10) A Clown on Fire

11) I’m Not Lost, Just Weird

I’d love to read your answers to the questions! If I didn’t tag you, I’d like to read your answers, too, if you’d like to offer them! 😀

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Filed under General Musing

Tagging Game Part One

I have been gone for a bit. It seems my mind completely took off last week. It was Spring Break. Tomorrow, I have to go back into the world of people. I’m a bit nervous.

Anyway, both Ruby Tuesday and mm172001 have tagged me to take part in a fun game! These are the rules of the game:

  1. Post the rules that are a part of this game.
  2. Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post, and then create eleven new questions to ask the people you’ve tagged.
  3. Tag eleven people and link to them on your post.
  4. Let them know you’ve tagged them! (but of course).

I’ll answer Ruby’s questions first and mm172001’s second. I’ve answered them before looking at anyone else’s answers so I won’t get influenced by them. Don’t worry, I’ll look at them soon.

Ruby’s Questions

  1. How long is your spine (stand up very straight, hold a measuring tape as high up as you can feel your cervical – top – vertebrae, then let it drop and measure the distance to where you feel your tailbone)? I’m not sure if I did this correctly or not. I keep getting different numbers each time. I’ll go with the median, 23 inches. (I am a short person, lol.)
  2. What is one quality that really stands out to you as wonderful in the majority of humanity? In the majority of humanity? Hmm. The ability to love, perhaps.
  3. What was the name of your very first pet (if you had none, feel free to substitute the name of a good friend, younger sibling, anything you feel is appropriate)? C.C. It stood for “calico cat”; my mom named her, not me. My mom accidentally ran over her, and I was devastated.
  4. What does the phrase ‘Carpe diem’ mean to you, personally?  Obviously, it means “seize the day.” I actually don’t think of it much beyond that translation. I view it as an annoying cliche. Sorry, but I am a cynic.
  5. How do you feel about wearing socks? I like wearing socks. I like to have something on my feet at all times in case I step on something gross. When I’m not wearing shoes, socks will do.
  6. If you could only pick one, would you eat the frosting, the cake, or the ice cream? Well, to me the cake includes frosting. There’s no such thing as a frosting-less cake. So, I’ll take the full cake.
  7. Have you ever read Catch-22 by Joseph Heller, and if you have, what did you think of it? Yes, I have read it. It’s one of my favorite books. 
  8. What is your very favorite movie ever? No such thing. I’ve got a billion favorite movies. Fritz Lang’s Metropolis and M. The Passion of Joan of Arc. The Manchurian Candidate (1962). Meet John Doe. Withnail and I. Sweet Smell of Success. The Night of the Hunter. The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari. Ace in the Hole. The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford. (I also love the book.) In Cold Blood. (Another fantastic book.) Memento. Pi. Boy A. Vincent and Theo. A Star is Born. Those are the samplings I can think of at the moment.
  9. How long is your hair (no need to measure on this one, a general-ish idea will do)? Maybe four or so inches past my shoulders?
  10. If you could choose one thing to totally change in the behavior of individuals so that we could function better as a world, what would it be? I don’t know if there’s something I’d change about behavior so much as about society in general. I’d like everyone to be able to truly enjoy their lives without having to worry about where their next paycheck is coming from. Perhaps I’d wish for more sharing and less greed.
  11. What is your favorite quotation? I’ve already mentioned this one here. “Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.”–Buddha

Mm172001’s Questions

  1. If you could go back and tell your younger self something.  What age would you go back to and what would you say? I would find me some time during my undergrad years and tell myself to have my mental health evaluated sooner. Or choose a major other than English. Or hold off on graduate school. Let’s stick with the first option, but the second one is a close, well, second. 😀

2. Favorite food. I don’t know. Chocolate? Cheese? I like Mediterranean food and sandwiches.

3. When did you start your blog? Why?  And has the purpose changed as time has? I started it in October 2011 to document aspects of my mental health. I also had a vague dream of hoping it might help a reader or something. It was also a good outlet for me to express my feelings without fear of people running away. The purpose hasn’t changed, but not every single post always mentions mental health.

4. What do you think your best character trait is? Intelligence.

5. What do you think is your worst character trait? Timidity.

6. What is the last thing you read? The Hangman’s Daughter by Oliver Poetzsch

7. Hero? As I mentioned in my 14th Day of Truth, I don’t really ever have heroes. If someone put a knife to me and said I had to choose one or die, I guess I’d go with Abraham Lincoln. (That is not meant as a facetious choice.)

      8. How much time do you spend on the internet in an average day? It varies a lot. I guess, considering everything, about three to four hours?

       9. If you had to chose only one social issue to fight for what would it be? Hmm. Reducing prejudice and discrimination? I think that would play into a bunch of other issues, too.

      10. If you could live anywhere, where and why? In a van down by the river. Well, maybe an RV. 😀 So I could travel and still have living quarters. When I’m home at the river, there’d be a gorgeous view. (This is all assuming I wouldn’t have to worry about things like, you know, a paycheck.)

        11. If you could chose to have the power to read people’s minds/know their thoughts, would you choose to?  It’s not something you could turn on or off, you have it or don’t.  Why? I honestly don’t know. I’m someone who likes to know everything, so I think I would be tempted to choose it. I’d know more about what people are thinking, although perhaps the voices would become overwhelming. But I’d get to be a female Professor X. Or can he control his powers?

Questions and Tagging will be coming up in Part Two.

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Filed under General Musing

TMI Award

Carla Renee from Seasons Change, and Change has passed on the TMI Award to me. Thanks, Carla Renee!

Here are the rules for accepting the award:

Thank the person who presented you with the award.

Link back to the blogger who presented the award to you.

Share an awkward, embarrassing and intimate story in 250 words or less. Copy and paste the blog award on your blog.

Present the TMI Blog Award to 5 – 10 deserving blogs.

Let them know they have been chosen by leaving a comment at their blog.

This story isn’t very “intimate,” but it is embarrassing. As part of my job, I conduct workshops. I am also an instructor. One day after class, I was leading my students to the room where the workshop would take place. I was about to conduct it then anyway, so they might as well follow me. I arrived at the breezeway that connects the building we were in to the building where the workshop was. When we were there, instead of going through the breezeway, I proceeded up the stairs. Of course, my students followed me. When I was upstairs, I suddenly realized that I was upstairs in the wrong building! Somewhere between reaching the breezeway and going up the stairs, I’d zoned out, and I had no memory of those past couple of minutes. I had to tell my students that I’d accidentally gone the wrong way, and then we went back down the stairs then to where we were supposed to go. I was thinking, wow, I bet that incident inspires my students to have confidence in what I’m doing.

I’m not sure who to nominate. I really don’t think anyone I read shares too much information, lol. Not too much to get their points across, anyway. I think I’ll flake out this time and not nominate anyone. Although not following rules makes me feel guilty. Well, here’s a compromise. Anyone who reads this post and wants to accept the TMI Blog Award can have it. I hereby nominate you.

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Filed under General Musing

Blah

As I’ve mentioned, I’m visiting my family this week since it’s Spring Break. I spent most of Saturday and Sunday doing things with my family, and yesterday and today I pretty much sat around. Only when I had nothing to do did I realize how much the Seroquel is affecting me.

Not that I had no idea of Seroquel’s effect before. I’ve written several times about how exhausted I feel. That’s nothing new, as I’ve never had much energy. But matters have reached a higher level.

Ever since I’ve begun Seroquel, I’ve been periodically late to work. I don’t always hear the alarm in the morning. Before, even though I’d sometimes press snooze, I heard the alarm. Now, it takes so much effort to make myself get up. Sometimes, I physically can’t open my eyes. When I manage to do so, they inevitably slide closed. It’s like I have no control over them.

Going to work, I made myself cope. I’d drink copious amounts of caffeine. I’d give myself pep talks to stay awake long enough for me to then go home and go to sleep.

But now that I don’t have a job to force me to stay awake, I do very little but sleep. Yesterday, I woke up late. I did some stuff for a couple of hours then fell asleep. I woke up after two hours and stayed awake another two hours before I fell asleep again. I woke up two hours later.

I felt physically unable to stay awake. It was like I’d given some irresistable substance that knocked me out.  Now that I have no reason to force myself to stay awake, I don’t. I feel like I barely have enough strength to maneuver my limbs. It takes an enormous effort to manipulate them the way I want to. Not that it’s noticeable, but I do still feel like Gumby.

And I feel like my mind is so blank. Stuffed with fatigue.  I have to wade through mush to find the words I’m typing now.

Since I have so few responsibilities laying on me at the moment, I might just disappear and sleep the majority of the time. Inadvertently.

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Filed under Mental Health

100 Word Challenge Week 34–Conscience Paralysis

I haven’t done this in a while, and in general, I haven’t written much fiction lately. So, this week I present to you a story for the 100-Word Challenge for Grown-ups over at Julia’s Place. This week, the challenge is to include the words “but I turned it off,” which means the story should be 105 words long. My offering is a rather dark piece.

And in a completely unrelated aside, I’d like to mention that I’m visiting my family for the next week. I’m driving down tomorrow. If I don’t seem to be on here much then, it’s because I’m spending time with my family.

Now the story, without further ado. Although I’m not sure if I’d call it a story, so here’s the prose.

Conscience Paralysis

The light was bright, luminescent. It warmed my spirit.

But I turned it off.

The glow, it makes me feel safe, but I don’t deserve to feel safe.

My conscience shouts at me, constantly reminding me of my sin.

I hope my friends, my family will understand. I’m tired of inflicting my presence on the world. After what I’ve done, I can’t go on.

It’s the coward’s way out. Shouldn’t I turn myself in to the police? If I expel life from my body, I evade my punishment.

It was an accident, I recite to myself: a catechism.

Still, the glazed eyes haunt me. Accusing eyes.

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Filed under Writing