NaNoWriMo has been over for about a week now, but my novel’s not nearly finished. I want to continue to work on it because I’ve hit a rhythm. Problem is, this rhythm has hit a barrier.
To wit, for the novel’s timeline, I need to include two weeks of mostly filler events. Well, not really filler–a lot of it will have to do with the minor plot points. I’m on this part where my female main character has gotten a surprise visit from her mother. I threw that in there because her mom hadn’t been in it that much, and I thought she should pop in at some point. Now I don’t know what to make the character and her mom talk about. Their discussion has got to somehow segue into talk of the dad (who’s part of a minor plot point).
I’m also stuck on this blog. I don’t know what to talk about. At all. A part of me is afraid to return to blogging land. I’m afraid I just can’t keep up the pace I had before NaNoWriMo. Both the pace of writing and the pace of reading. I already felt way behind on my reading all the time, so if I slow my reading pace, I’m going to be miles and miles behind. Like I am now. I’m afraid of returning only to make it seem as if I don’t really care because I don’t read others’ blogs as often as I should (and I want to). There’s just–things! And I have a one-track mind. My job. My classes. My novel. And more.
My dad decided to buy me some insurance, so I can still afford my meds even though I turned 26. This makes me feel immensely guilty. I don’t want him to spend his money on me, especially since I’m supposed to be a full-fledged adult now. Part of it is also that I have no idea when things will change, and he could be paying for it indefinitely. It may be forever until I find myself in a better position. I’ve been here for two years already, for chrissakes, and nothing much has changed.
This is going to sound strange, but last Tuesday, I suddenly realized this–all of what I have, is real life. Not that I thought I was living in an imaginary world before. This is hard to explain. It’s just that the reality of everything fell hard on my mind. Then I knew I had to force myself to be more assertive for me to succeed in having a “career,” like people in real life do. Can I do that? I shrink in fear at the idea.
I saw my therapist last week, probably for the last time. We both agreed that I need to see someone else to make progress because it seems like we’re going in circles. I could’ve written a lot about that session right after it’d happened. She basically said she didn’t know anyone who did what I wanted and that she’d discuss it with my pdoc and call me this week about it. (I haven’t received such a call.) She said something about “correcting” my thought patterns, and I instantly got offended. Semantics matter to me. If it’s “correction,” that implies that my thinking before was “faulty,” which it wasn’t. If it was, then I’m going to feel stupid and go back to my depression. My frustration with therapy is the way things have been presented to me. It’s like I’m given this ultimatum that I need to do what they tell me because it’s “what works” and “what makes people happy.” Haven’t these people ever heard of a dystopian novel? What I need is someone to help me understand why I should follow their suggestions besides the fact that “it makes people happy.” It needs truth value and logic value.
Apparently I don’t think like a normal person. This I learned from my pdoc last week. She asked if I had these “unusual” thought patterns all my life, and yes, I have. It’s interesting because I don’t know what I’ve done in her presence that makes my thinking seem “unusual.”
I’m going to end by mentioning that I don’t feel so well right now. I coughed all last night. This morning, I felt fine. But about three hours ago, I started feeling awful. Apparently I looked flushed, but I had no fever. I also felt extremely hot and was fanning myself. I’m still hot, and I’ve turned my heater way down. My throat hurts, and I keep having headaches. They’re mostly on the right, but occasionally they switch to the left. My jaw also feels tight. So now I guess I’ll go relax. Read. Watch something fun, maybe. But I also need to prepare for finals week this weekend.