I’ve been back home for a few days now. My summer class got canceled, which is sad. I’m going to be bored . . . not to mention the loss of income. But I guess I should be doing things like looking at jobs and working on my writing.

I haven’t come back here right away because I’ve been working on my writing. I haven’t gotten around to editing my novel yet, but hopefully I will after I finish revising this short story I’ve been editing. I’ve also got a short story idea I haven’t started working on yet, and another one that I just finished. The latter is rather dark . . . It would make people wonder at the screwed-up things that go on in my head. I’m not sure what I can do with this story. I’m not sure what I can do with the story I’ve been revising, either. I find it amusing, but I don’t think anyone other than me would. I think the idea is clever, though. I just don’t feel like people would get it.

Then there’s the obsession I’ve referred to before . . . Supernatural. I started writing a fanfiction story because I just couldn’t get it out of my head. I don’t know what I’m going to do with it, though. It’s rather embarrassing; I don’t want to go into detail about the story itself. Well, I guess it’ll all just be for my own entertainment.

I’ve finally reached the eighth season of Supernatural, so I’ll probably be spending most of my free time watching that. Since I’m so obsessed and all. It’s bad. Half the time things remind me of little moments in Supernatural. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, lol.

And now we come to some heavy news.

While I was home, my dad almost had a heart attack.

I’m serious. It’s shocking and scary. One morning, he wasn’t feeling well, so he had my stepmom take him to the ER. No one thought it would be anything too bad; after all, he almost passed a stress test. But then they found that he had 100% blockage in his coronary artery. If my dad didn’t go to the hospital when he did, well . . . not something I want to think about.

My reaction to this event makes me think I’ve been lying to myself. I like to think I’m this sensitive, caring, and empathetic person, but I’m not.

I woke up late that morning, and based on certain cues in the house, I could tell something was up. However, unlike what I’d usually do in such a situation, I didn’t call to find out what it was. I didn’t want to, so I didn’t find out about my dad going to the ER until a couple of hours later. At that point, the doctors still hadn’t discovered how bad the situation was.

Then as the truth slowly came out, I felt emotionless. Complacent, even, like of course things turned out okay, because the alternative doesn’t happen in real life. Logically, that’s stupid.

I continued to feel emotionless. I didn’t even see why I should be otherwise. Everyone was concerned and worried, and there I was, a callous person.

It seems I have only two modes sometimes–being callous or being overly emotional. Perhaps that has something to do with my reaction.

The whole thing even seemed funny to me, and I occasionally had to restrain short laughs.

I’ve noticed, though, that sometimes I laugh when I’d normally cry.

But I don’t think that was one of the situations, because as I said, I felt nothing.

Only a few days later, as my mind sifted through the implications of the event, did I get weepy.

I don’t like what my reaction says about my character.

My dad’s fine now; he’s resting.



Filed under General Musing

8 responses to “Hey-O

  1. You also could have been in a state of shock. Sometimes I find that I sort of shut down on one level, and that in order to just keep functioning, it’s like any kind of emotion or any kind of alternative outcome actually fail to exist in my mind, when in reality (for me) it’s just a coping mechanism. Then, when I know everything is going to be alright, all the emotion I didn’t feel in the moment hits me. I’m happy he’s going to be alright.

    • Thanks. I don’t know. I feel like I can tell the difference between a state of shock and how I was feeling . . . it felt to me like everything in me was just unconcerned and wanted to go about my business. I guess all I have to compare it to is that months-long bout of emotionlessness I had once, but that was different. Maybe somewhere in my mind I was in a state of shock, and it decided to consciously think about minor things. Who knows what goes on in there sometimes?

  2. I kind of agree with Ruby. I’m usually a very sensitive empathatic person but when a big event happens that most people would be super emotional about, I am numb for a bit before the emotional-ness and sensitivity kicks in- anywhere from a couple days to even a year.

    • I didn’t even feel numb, though. Emotionless, but not numb. That’s why I think it reflects badly on me. I have noticed it does take a while for things to emotionally affect me sometimes, though.

  3. I agree with both comments above.

  4. I think I am going to have to agree with the others. You don’t necessarily need to feel numb to feel emotionless. I felt emotionless when my mother died. (I had gone through a lot of the death emotions the previous summer when I saw her for the last time.) Even now, three years later, I still feel a bit emotionless about her death. (Long list of family issues that don’t render me emotionless, however.) It will probably catch up with me eventually but I don’t blame myself and you shouldn’t either.

    As an aside: You can post your fanfic on fanfiction.net and there are other sites where you can post original fiction. It doesn’t pay, of course, but at least other people will be reading your stuff! 🙂

    • I just sort of marvel about how I get emotional over little things but not over that big thing. But perhaps you people are right.

      Yeah, I might post some of my fanfiction somewhere . . . even if that’s a little embarrassing, just to have someone read it, since I’m writing it and all. I’ll think about the original fiction thing . . . I want to explore other options first. It might depend on the story.

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