It’s Happening Again

Well, hello, blog. (*Dusts it off.*)

It’s been six and a half months since I’ve updated, and I didn’t even realize it. Sorry. I’m a shitty blogging friend. But I’m still and still and still folding into myself, isolating.

I don’t expect anyone to read this, but I feel the need to document it. I don’t think I’m having another big break, but there is something that happened during the big break that’s happening again. My sleeping trends are out of whack. Then, I would be nervous and reluctant and afraid to go to sleep at night. Also, I would often sleep during the day.

That’s what’s happening again. I don’t want to go to sleep at night, and then I’m out of it during the day. My mind in general is out of it, and I feel like I’m wading through a morass to access any thoughts. I can feel myself doing a shoddy job on my tasks, and what’s more, sometimes I can’t bring myself to care. The only reason I care is that I know I would regret losing my job, that if I suddenly disappear and stop completing tasks, things would only get worse. I’d lose any source of income.

I just want to live in my own make-believe world. I feel like I can’t function in this one.

My therapist and psychiatrist have been talking about suspected Asperger’s. I realized that, when it comes down to it, my problems don’t matter. Social anxiety, anxiety, and depression. Asperger’s, which would not technically be a problem but a “difference.” I live in this world, and in this world, no one’s going to cut my any slack for mental health issues or accommodate me for any potential Asperger’s. If I have Apserger’s, I don’t even want people to know because I think they would view me through the label of that lens rather than as a person with many facets.

Anyway, my problems don’t matter, and so I have to live up to “normal” standards if I’m going to get anywhere in this world. But I can’t. Oh, I’m pretty sure I can’t. I’m not strong enough.

I just keep feeling like everything’s going to come tumbling down.

And I feel so much hatred, mostly of myself. But then sometimes I also just hate every single person I run into.

For a few months, I’ve been meaning to write a post explaining my absence and explaining why any future posts may be sporadic. It’s mostly related to my isolationist tendencies, but there’s also the factor that I’ve been gone so long that I don’t know if I could catch up anymore. (And my embarrassing new-ish Supernatural fanfic hobby.) Maybe I’ll write that one later, but for now, I’m just writing this ramble because I need to get it out of my system.



Filed under Mental Health

13 responses to “It’s Happening Again

  1. Glad to see you. xo.

  2. Good to see you again sweetie xx

  3. Oh honey, it’s so good to see you, even though things are not well with you. I know I owe you an email — a long time I’ve owed you an email, at this point I think the only person I don’t owe an email to is God.

    (Who I guess is a deity and not a person, but the point is I’ve been thinking of you a lot.)

    I wish I had some good thoughts or some kind of solace for you. It can just be that hard sometimes. ” ‘Tisn’t right, but it’s true.”

    I am so glad to see you, though. For what that’s worth. :/

    • That’s okay. I thought you’d forgotten about the email, so it just makes me happy that you haven’t. Just do things on your own time; Lord knows I have lately. The fact that you took the time to reply, and also that you’re thinking of me, is helpful.

  4. I have recurring depression because I can’t live up to ‘normal’ standards and people keep telling me that having a mental disorder or depression is not an excuse to act the way I do. I often feel guilty for reacting the way that I did but most of the time it’s because I couldn’t help it. Makes me hate myself alot yet hate other people for not being understanding. Indeed society never cuts people with mental disorders some slack.. and I’m pretty sure it’s not the slack that I want. More of like.. why can’t you see I’ve tried so hard but still fall short of ‘normal’ standards? I don’t want to be this way I’m trying!! Yet society thinks it’s not good enough.

  5. Reblogged this on Help, I think I'm Crazy and commented:
    People don’t understand. They keep telling me that having a mental disorder or depression is merely an excuse to be weak and act the way that I do. I often feel guilty but then again I can’t help it. Makes me hate myself alot yet hate other people for not being understanding.

    Indeed society never cuts people with mental disorders some slack; unlike the way they do for people with medical conditions. I’m pretty sure it’s not the slack that we want. We want to be treated like normal people but it’s just so hard and we keep falling short of ‘normal’ expectations.

    Yet people who don’t understand think we don’t try hard enough. Society thinks we’re crazy.

  6. Francie Kat

    I agree with previous comments about society not cutting slack for the myriad ways mental health can interfere with daily life. If it helps, probably most of ypur readers have at one time or another not been able to attend to a relationship or project.
    I also wanted to say I can relate to the difficulties in receiving additional diagnoses. When I went through this all I wanted to do was scream at the universe “don’t I have enough?”, while concurrently feeling guilty and adhamed of this impulse. In the end, it maybe more useful to honour your truth than get caught up in weighing others’ definitions of you.
    Whatever diagnoses apply, or don’t apply, you are much, much more than any label could contain.

  7. I wholeheartedly relate to everything in this post, with the exclusion of a possible aspberger’s diagnosis – though this may be due to the fact that I haven’t seen a counselor in quite some time.

    I hope life is looking up for you more since this post. I am curious: do you ever feel that your lack of wanting nighttime sleep negatively impacts your memory during the day? I have a horribly spotty memory and I feel more and more that it is due in part to my screwed sleep schedule. I don’t sleep at night mostly because it’s the one time I can be truly alone. The world is too alive and busy during the day. No one who would otherwise bother me is awake to do so in the dark hours.

  8. Dave

    hi:) ok so the bit about not being strong enough to face life is me but I find it so hard to explain to other people…I innately KNOW I am not strong enough. When I do any ask, from writing this comment to a task at work, I know I’m going to mess it up. I also get the self hatred. anybody relate?

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