Tag Archives: fantasy

Marooned in Myself

It’s hard to explain where my head space has been for the past few months. I don’t know what I should be saying right now. For the past few days, I keep coming on here to post then freezing and having nothing to say.

Well, at work, a few months ago we applied to have my job become a full-time one. The fiscal year begins in July, and since I haven’t heard anything about the matter, I assume it’s a no-go.

This is going to sound really childish, but I’ve always had a belief that things work themselves out for the best. In my life, that used to seem to happen, anyway. It’s also kept me going. But for the past year, things haven’t gone that way, and I’m just afraid I’m destined to fall. That belief is stupid, anyway. Loads of people don’t have things work out for them, so why should they for me? I’m not so damn special. Plus, the world often isn’t fair.

Ideally, I’d like to stay at my current job and have it be full-time. I’m decent at it. I like it there. I’m finally starting to feel like I belong. After two and a half years, which is kind of pathetic, but still. That’s the way I am. It’ll probably take me that long to feel comfortable someplace else.

I feel like this ideal is what’s best for me and my mental health. The pressure of starting over terrifies me. The idea of interviewing and looking for a new job terrifies me. That’s why I’m not assiduous at job-hunting.

For the past few months, I’ve been isolating. I continue to isolate. It’s like I live in this dream world in my mind and ignore large concerns in favor of small ones, only living from day to day. I drift. I let my mind be consumed by stories, both my own and those of others, whether that be in the form of books, movies, or TV shows.

And I like it.

But it can’t last. Bigger concerns will no doubt crash into it all one day. Plus, I feel hollow and alone. I can’t stay like that perpetually.

But I want to stay like this. Keep my anxiety at bay. Be consumed by fantasy because it’s all I have, because I don’t belong in this world.

The more I isolate, the more anxious I do become when I have to be around people. The more I just shut everything out.

The more I don’t read others’ blogs. I feel so guilty about it. I do care about the bloggers I follow. But I fear that maybe I’m lying to myself about that, because wouldn’t I stay more caught up if I did?

Yet I don’t. I continue to remain in my bubble. And the worst part is, I’m not even doing that badly. Just isolating. But perhaps that’s why I’m not doing too badly in the first place–I’ve inured myself into a self-contained isolationist world.

I don’t know. I don’t know what on earth I’m rambling about. But there you have it: the unlikeableness of me.


Filed under Mental Health

30 Days of Truth: Day Five

This fifth installment in the thirty-part series is going to be much shorter than the previous four, ha.

Something You Hope to Do in Your Life

Overall, I don’t know what I want to do with my life, but there is a certain something that I want to do in it.

I would like to publish several novels. I have spent so many of the past couple of years working on the novel, yet there is still so much work to be done. Substantial editing needs to take place. I have had a draft finished for months, but I haven’t even looked at it because I’m afraid it’s rubbish. Even though I know what the concept of editing means, I don’t actually know how to edit my own work.

Right now, I’m working on another writing project, my fantasy novel. (Yes, there’s the novel and the fantasy novel/series. Both stem from ideas I had in high school. Is that pathetic? I’ve written three substantial drafts of the novel over the last ten years. Even though I’ve had the fantasy idea in the back of my head for years, I didn’t actually start working on it until last NaNoWriMo). This novel could turn into a series. Heck, it could even be two series; I know what’s going to happen to the next generation of characters in my fantasy world.

I would like both of my novels to be widely read by people with taste. (Snooty, but true. What I mean by that is I don’t want to be the next Dan Brown. Not that there’s anything wrong with Dan Brown; his work can be enjoyable. But it’s pulp fiction.) It would be nice to win some respected awards, but I’m not hoping for that much.

When I write fiction, I like to focus on the thoughts of my characters. The plots are intricate, too, but they’re not as action-packed as the premises might suggest. This is why I would call my writing style “literary.” I would like to write my literary fantasy novel/series and have it accepted as a literary work.

Publishing a few short stories also wouldn’t hurt. 🙂


Filed under 30 Days of Truth